夢と現実の間
Between dreams and reality
負ける気がしねぇ！！
Tracy desu yo, pessimist and world’s worst procrastinator. Uni student with still a lot of things to learn. Interests include otome games, Naruto and Japanese.
 : Loves pink, food, ice-cream.
Summer is my eternal love.
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holiday feels
written on Monday, July 14, 2014 @ 11:32 PM ✈
My first real day I actually spent on "break" since all other days since the end of exams were spent on placement (post about that coming soon) and Saturdays are work and Sundays don't really count since that's a weekend after all. No one told me they were not going to be home today so when I woke up and found out no one was at home I was a little disorientated. I prefer to know whether anyone will be at home when I wake up (it's a weird thing) and when I asked yesterday they said they would be... So I spent the whole day home alone which I have no arguments with because honestly, holidays are the best when I get to spend them home alone cooking whatever I want, and doing stuff without being judged lol.
By the way Saturday I had work so had to wake up early but on Sunday, I don't even want to say what time I actually ended up getting up at because I slept the same amount of hours as I spent out of the house during a placement day... I think it's because of all the accumulated fatigue. But I'm glad no one judged or told me off when I got up. Though I do kind of wish dad would force me up at 9 like he used to. Anyway, thanks to all the placement days, usually I'd be able to go to 2am no probs during holidays but now even when I struggle at full power (yes I know it's bad to fight back against it) I can't really make it past 12:30 before I conk out which feels like I'm wasting time...
Once again I'm finding myself in the position where I have time, and I have things I want to do but I get overwhelmed with all this "freedom" and feel like I'm wasting it? And no matter what I do it's not satisfying? Mum once said to me that she thinks I put too much pressure on myself and all I could think was "uh no, definitely no." I don't know, I feel like to everyone else I'm quite the slacker and hardly do anything ever. And there is certainly a long way for me to go and so much I haven't been able to accomplish so if anything, I don't put enough pressure on. She also said that she's never seen me actually relax and that I'm like dad, and always seem like I have so much to do at once. Again, I don't think that's true at all OTL Unless she's talking about when I do homework while watching TV, or the extreme itch I get to multitask when watching shows on computer so I end up doing some side activity at the same time. But these aren't good things and makes it sound like my priorities are awful OTL
You know, no matter how much I complained about getting up at 6 for placement, I realised I really needed it (once again, more on it later). Without it, I feel like I'm falling back to the same place I was in just over a month ago. Some days I'm okay, other days I just completely lose my cool. It makes me resent being awake, because my mind is just too active. Once the wrong memory is triggered, the spiralling just starts and it's hard to get out of the darkness. But then sleep is no good either, because it's just as restless and my mind plays tricks with me by giving me bad dreams that I just can't wake out of either.
And then I remember all the things I ever taught myself about people (in general) and that I just completely forgot them all because you were a distraction. But then when you left I just realised more than ever my biggest mistake was ever forgetting in the first place. It might seem dark and twisted but I guess this was always the real me deep down.
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holiday feels
written on Monday, July 14, 2014 @ 11:32 PM ✈
My first real day I actually spent on "break" since all other days since the end of exams were spent on placement (post about that coming soon) and Saturdays are work and Sundays don't really count since that's a weekend after all. No one told me they were not going to be home today so when I woke up and found out no one was at home I was a little disorientated. I prefer to know whether anyone will be at home when I wake up (it's a weird thing) and when I asked yesterday they said they would be... So I spent the whole day home alone which I have no arguments with because honestly, holidays are the best when I get to spend them home alone cooking whatever I want, and doing stuff without being judged lol.
By the way Saturday I had work so had to wake up early but on Sunday, I don't even want to say what time I actually ended up getting up at because I slept the same amount of hours as I spent out of the house during a placement day... I think it's because of all the accumulated fatigue. But I'm glad no one judged or told me off when I got up. Though I do kind of wish dad would force me up at 9 like he used to. Anyway, thanks to all the placement days, usually I'd be able to go to 2am no probs during holidays but now even when I struggle at full power (yes I know it's bad to fight back against it) I can't really make it past 12:30 before I conk out which feels like I'm wasting time...
Once again I'm finding myself in the position where I have time, and I have things I want to do but I get overwhelmed with all this "freedom" and feel like I'm wasting it? And no matter what I do it's not satisfying? Mum once said to me that she thinks I put too much pressure on myself and all I could think was "uh no, definitely no." I don't know, I feel like to everyone else I'm quite the slacker and hardly do anything ever. And there is certainly a long way for me to go and so much I haven't been able to accomplish so if anything, I don't put enough pressure on. She also said that she's never seen me actually relax and that I'm like dad, and always seem like I have so much to do at once. Again, I don't think that's true at all OTL Unless she's talking about when I do homework while watching TV, or the extreme itch I get to multitask when watching shows on computer so I end up doing some side activity at the same time. But these aren't good things and makes it sound like my priorities are awful OTL
You know, no matter how much I complained about getting up at 6 for placement, I realised I really needed it (once again, more on it later). Without it, I feel like I'm falling back to the same place I was in just over a month ago. Some days I'm okay, other days I just completely lose my cool. It makes me resent being awake, because my mind is just too active. Once the wrong memory is triggered, the spiralling just starts and it's hard to get out of the darkness. But then sleep is no good either, because it's just as restless and my mind plays tricks with me by giving me bad dreams that I just can't wake out of either.
And then I remember all the things I ever taught myself about people (in general) and that I just completely forgot them all because you were a distraction. But then when you left I just realised more than ever my biggest mistake was ever forgetting in the first place. It might seem dark and twisted but I guess this was always the real me deep down.
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Japan and Korea 2015 Masterlist
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Summer TO-DO List
((to be updated as I think of more things while I procrastinate))
✮ Foster kittens
✮ Clean out closet
✮ Make LOTS of ice-cream
✮ Bake + Cook (and use the molds and kits I bought from Japan)
✮ Study Japanese (JLPT N2 level)
✮ Learn basic Korean sentence structures
✮ Play Dousei Kareshi (~50 hours right there, what with my slow Japanese reading speed)
✮ Finishing playing Naruto Shippuden Ultimate Ninja Storm Revolution
✮ Buy Naruto -The Last- Movie DVD and then rewatch it
✮ Start applying for things……..
✮ Invite people over to drink the endless amounts of tea I have
✮ Make things with the alcohol and liquor stash I have (lol)
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my sunshine
links exchanged opened! just tag me but link me first
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