 Between dreams and reality 負ける気がしねぇ！！
Tracy desu yo, pessimist and world’s worst procrastinator. Uni student with still a lot of things to learn. Interests include otome games, Naruto and Japanese.
 : Loves pink, food, ice-cream.
Summer is my eternal love.  Waiting for: 
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自分の力で立つ
written on Thursday, July 31, 2014 @ 10:45 PM ✈
I must have hit the low point of my week because the feels from suits hit me so hard. Got so teary, don't know what it is about this episode. In other news, spending 99% of holidays alone is carrying over because now I get to enjoy the greatness of wandering around and eating at the city alone ＼( ^o^)／＼( ^o^)／＼( ^o^)／ Everyone is always conveniently busy but luckily I make time for myself (heh). Well why should I give up my plans just because I'm alone anyway. Honestly I don't have a problem with eating on my own, I don't really get why that's apparently "socially unacceptable." 0 comment[s] | back to topwritten on Wednesday, July 30, 2014 @ 10:52 PM ✈
It's been 7 months, but my Japan feels are hitting me so hard right now. It might have something to do with one of my uni friends who tells me about her 10 day trip to Japan when she went these past holidays. And now I'm just like to mum "ahhhhh I want to go back to Japan :(" and mum says since I have a lot of money I can just go again. It's not about the money, it's about the time! Hah, and I only have money because my parents don't really let me pay for anything, including my trip there last time T_T 0 comment[s] | back to toppost-placement post (picture edition)
written on Sunday, July 27, 2014 @ 10:48 PM ✈
Crying so hard because uni tomorrow at the ripe old time of 9am meaning back to the old 6:30 wake up sigh. Anyway, visiting the shelter on Friday was just what I needed, when I'm there I feel like I really understand what inner peace is. I'm glad H. was there! Everyone was asking me how uni was but I hadn't started yet www. Also I got trolled the whole journey on my way there because the usual place I get into the left lane was not right because there were parked cars up ahead in that lane but I couldn't see because a big truck was in front of me and blocked my view == During placement, I went to the shelter so early, and left so late that usually the clearway hours applied so no one could park in those lanes but I went at midday so when I tried to get into the left lane three times, it had parked cars so I became that kind of P plater which constantly had to change lanes OTL Anyway picture spam time! These pictures are all from my time at placement: 
This guy really hates pats! He really dashes to the other side of the cage
when you try (forgot how timid rabbits are because ours were so friendly). Hehe
his albino-ness, floppy ears, super small flat face and dislike of pats
really reminds me of our Johnson (yes we gave him a funny name,
but nothing else really "fit").
 
Pretty and friendly bunny ^^ All three of our rabbits were solid coloured
so if I ever got to have a rabbit like this I'd be super happy (because
of the novelty of it?)
Omg the greyness and the friendliness of this
bunny honestly reminded me of Lucy (ू˃̣̣̣̣̣̣︿˂̣̣̣̣̣̣
ू)
   
Lucky last, the super pretty boy who arrived literally on the last hour of my last day T_T He looks tri-coloured, and has the cutest black "mask" on his face, black ears and black socks. So on my last day there were six rabbits and they have all well and truly been adopted since then!
Funny story. I'm allergic to cat and dog fur and yet I didn't have any problems during placement (a couple of mosquito bite-like lumps at most). We've had rabbits before and I was mostly okay with them. However during placement the one time I had to clean out the rabbit cages I was literally honestly suffocating omg. Honestly almost couldn't breathe and I was coughing like crazy (was probably a little sick with my cold by that time). I think my asthma kicked in too x_x It must just be because it's a small-ish room and H. also thought it was weird I was fine with other animals and not rabbits and then hypothesised that I might be allergic to the hay there? Which totally makes sense since I do have an allergy to grass and also got the infamous "hay rash" when we went to the alpaca and llama farm earlier this year.
Polar bear, one of the fluffiest puppies ever (so much
fluffier in real life). His owners eventually came
and found him again!
Maggie, such a cute sweet girl. One of the only dogs that didn't tug like crazy
on their leash while walking. She was my favourite, and got adopted over the
weekends of my first week (I only do Mon-Fri) and when I came on Monday
she was gone :( I played with her a lot and looked after her quite a bit, one of
the volunteers J, says she probably still remembers me even if she's with new
owners. Not sure if it's true but omg would be so touched if it was.
Not sure who this is but as soon as I came through the door
on Wednesday/Thursday morning he was just sitting on the
front desk greeting visitors! I wonder why he has a green patch
on his fur? (No, it's not a reflection of anything)
Hehe Elle, who is quite head shy and will go into this pose
if you raise your hand and try to pat her. My favourite
cat after my first got adopted.
Elle is quite the needy baby, once you sit next to her she
climbs into your lap and once you stop patting her (literally one
second) she will nudge your hand until you start up again. She
got adopted the day after my last!
  Little nightmare Lily who usually resides at reception during day time, hypnotising people with her cuteness but don't be fooled! Literally two seconds after toilet walks and putting her into her overnight kennel, there will be poo everywhere (the devious thing). She's since been adopted, good luck to her new owners!  Me with Salt, or affectionately called "Salty." She's just
a small super skinny thing, and when she first arrived I thought
we'd have a big job on our hands because she was super scared,
stayed huddled in the corner of the kennel and barked at anything
that seemed slightly threatening. But after about two days she
really opened up and I could walk her like a normal dog! She likes to
get on her back and waits for a belly rub.
During one of my walks with Salt, a random Golden Retriever
started following us! He wasn't on a leash, and no person was with him.
Having seen Salt's previously super frightened form, I got worried for her
since she wasn't walking fast enough and eventually had to pick her up and
carry her away but the dog kept following T^T Eventually I put my palm out
and said "STAY" and it worked? Anyway Salt has since been reunited
with her owners!
Lastly, the whole of my last week I never saw the newest cat that was brought in
since he was very scared and never came out of his box (you wait for him
to get used to the new environment and come out on his own). Sometimes,
I really wondered if there was anything in there. Previously the paper on his
door read "I'm Obi, I'm still getting used to my new home so please
don't disturb!" or something like that.
However on my last day he finally came out and he's so preeeeetty
and I got to pat him before I left ヽ(≧ω≦)ﾉ
(Click to make bigger). Honestly, whoever wrote this
was a genius. I don't think many people really think about
these things.
0 comment[s] | back to top黙れ
written on Thursday, July 24, 2014 @ 11:07 PM ✈
You verbally attack me all the time and everybody just expects me to sit here and "suck it up." Sick and tired of being expected to play the "bigger person." I say one thing back in defence and all I get is slack. Don't think you can belittle me when you don't know anything. You think I can take your criticisms seriously when you don't even know how to obey the law? If you think being "family" is reason enough for me to overlook it all you better think again, because your constant skirting between right and wrong means I don't give a damn about you or what you say. Zero respect for you. Tomorrow's the last day of break and honestly I'm freaking relieved it's over. So done with everyone being soooooo busy I don't even care anymore. Going to go visit the animal shelter tomorrow, should have done it earlier, really. One of the only places where I'm not completely worthless. I wonder if H will be there? I spent 6 of my 10 placement days with her and she started on the same day I did, so we spent quite a lot of time together. And then afterwards I'll have to go work and then finally stupid break is over. 0 comment[s] | back to topsuckiest of them all
written on Wednesday, July 23, 2014 @ 11:57 PM ✈
Ugh even though when it's uni time I complain about how I wish it were holidays, these holidays after placement were completely pointless and meaningless. Especially this last week since everyone says they are too "busy" (I say "busy" because who knows what they are really doing) to do anything. Ugh just ugh. Feel completely bored, unfulfilled and just unsatisfied with everything. Only excuse I have to get outside the house is to run errands for dad and even then, I ran into my mum's cousin (but since she's only a little older than me it feels like she's my cousin) and she was saying that it was ridiculous I was running errands and I should be out hanging or going places with people. I just told her everyone was "busy", she seemed unconvinced so I tried to cover for people and said I was just too lazy to go anywhere > > Don't even know why I said that because that's not the case and everyone is just too "meh" to actually do anything. Came home and while watching masterchef dad also pointed out that I haven't been out all week and I should really enjoy the last two days of holidays by hanging with someone. Oh everyone is just the comedian today. Once again, had to explain that nobody was actually "free" to do anything. Truthfully it's probably because everyone is too lazy or cbf to do anything. Thanks guys, thanks. I have the strange urge to go sit up on our roof for half the day but will probably get told off. 0 comment[s] | back to toppost placement thoughts (real 400th post)
written on Monday, July 21, 2014 @ 11:27 PM ✈
LOL last time I posted a "400th post" but it seems blogger lied to me because I had some drafts which add to blog post count, so this is the REAL 400th post (ㆀ˘･_･˘)
This post is long overdue so I apologise (ू˃̣̣̣̣̣̣︿˂̣̣̣̣̣̣ ू) But unfortunately before I talk about that, I have something else unrelated to say. Which is that holding onto something that doesn't even exist anymore is so pathetic of me. The holidays are still dark. And then there are people who you make an effort to contact and hang with but they never reply no matter what it is - skype, fb, text even though everyone knows in this day and age it's impossible to not see one of those immediately, if not at least within the same WEEK. Sure, I miss plenty of calls but I always make an effort to reply as soon as I can (definitely within the same day). That, and along with just so many other things going on right now makes me say, was I really of that little worth? Screw it, just screw it all.
Haha and then there's you. You who forced me to walk this ridiculous tightrope, telling me what to do, what I can't do. But in the end it didn't matter if I followed your strict rules, the outcome is always the same. Blamed me for not "believing" in you, but you couldn't believe in me. Told me lie after lie, then lied about it being a lie in the first place. I don't even know what I'm meant to do anymore, thanks for that.
And now for some better stuff (sorry). Yes, I admit that I was super bummed and completely tired as hell every single one of those 10 days of placement but looking back on it now, I can honestly say I thoroughly enjoyed it. What it involved: a lot of bad smells, a hell of a lot of cleaning which = the driest fingertips on earth, feeding time (yay!! who doesn't love food), walking, soooo much laundry and a million miscellaneous tasks.
I think doing placement really drove to home for me that what we're getting ourself into is of a physical nature, not office work like those following the arts/law/actuarial/commerce path. It's mentally and physically tired. But you know, the place doesn't have that many staff members, but instead, relies so much on the work of volunteers. And what I saw just really spoke to me. Pretty much everyday that I was there, there were always a lot of new faces. For those two weeks it really felt I forgot about the darkness because all I could see were so many people who were willing to give up their time (which they could have used for a hobby, to do work, etc) for the animals there (even if it meant doing jobs like cleaning). And that honestly really touched me, and the commonly used phrase - "restored my faith in humanity."
Honestly when you're there you can really feel the love and care that everyone there has, that we all hope the animals will find their forever homes but until they do, they try their best to make their time at the shelter as comfortable as it can be. Which brings me to my next point. The RSPCA gets so many animals and since there are limited resources, they are forced to put down animals after a set amount of time has passed if they don't find a home. However at the shelter, there is no such thing and they keep them until however long it takes (one dog was there for a year). They also keep lost pets for 7 days (if it has no microchip) or 14 days (microchipped) in hopes their owner will come get them and if not they are up for adoption whereas at RSPCA after that time frame they'd be put down (or so they told me).
Lol one random point but everyday for the first 3 days (because there was a different person in charge each day) I was told by the staff that my bed making skills for the dogs were excellent (by bed making I mean the way I put out the blankets in their kennels). Towards the end of the second week, I met a new volunteer on her first day there who went to Ruse and was a year ahead of us and she now studies dentistry in Melbourne. Her enthusiasm really got to me. Unfortunately, when you do repetitive things you sometimes take them for granted. I was out doing the beds again and when I finished and thanked her for her help she excitedly told me how she was really looking forward to the dogs having a comfortable sleep, snuggling on those blankets that night. And it surprised me, because she was exactly right and I hadn't really thought about that, and in that moment I really felt that she had a really kind heart.
The rest of that day was quite interesting, we had a great conversation and it made me feel at ease that there was someone else who shared the same thoughts. We talked about how twisted the world is, that there's just so much crap thanks to humans, how depressing it is to watch the news, that if we weren't the ones running the planet, would it be better? Animals don't feel silly things - lies, jealousy those things don't really exist. Their life is quite simple. She told me about her cat (which she loves very much) and how he's always there to listen when she's troubled. I can totally agree on that. Pets are so perceptive when it comes to how you feel, and even though they can't give you a solution for your problems, they're always there to hear you out. And honestly? That's exactly what I need 99% of the time, I don't need anyone judging me or telling me what to do, just someone or something to be there for me and empathise with me.
I'm really going to miss my time there, it really helped to remind me why it is that I chose animals over people. I only hope that in the future I can continue to give back even a little of what Peter and Lucy taught me. I'm going to miss the fact that I never once got to catch or suss out just who took any of the dogs home since I always had a buttload of tasks to do that it literally was the case that one second I turn around, and the dog is adopted and gone and I didn't get to say goodbye or see his/her new family. So many were adopted during my short time there, it really makes me happy.
It's always bittersweet because you won't be able to see them anymore but you hope they've found their new home. Left on the first Friday, and came back on the second Monday to find that my favourite dog and favourite cat had been adopted. Said goodbye to all the animals on the last Friday, and on Saturday found out (online) that the goodbye wasn't even because I wasn't there anymore, but that my favourite cat #2 wasn't there anymore (adopted) and so the goodbye was for real because I'd never see her again even if I did go back! And on my last Friday there they brought in the most beautiful rabbit ever and I never got to play with him for more than a day :'( I still check their site sometimes because it tells you who's been adopted and it's quite heartwarming to see them go.
Going to miss the punny bunny names - Arnold Schwarzbunegger, Obi bun-kenobi, Erin Bunkovich, David Hasselhop, Hot Cross Bunny, Rabbit de Niro (and I also found out they previously had a Kirsten Bunst).
0 comment[s] | back to topwritten on Thursday, July 17, 2014 @ 10:15 PM ✈
Eww today I sliced a bit of my finger when I was opening the box of gummy food making kits Areeya and I were playing with. Oh the irony of it being a children's toy. I think the one injury I really can't take is scraped skin it's just :/ and now I have an actual flap of it not attached eww 0 comment[s] | back to topholiday feels
written on Monday, July 14, 2014 @ 11:32 PM ✈
My first real day I actually spent on "break" since all other days since the end of exams were spent on placement (post about that coming soon) and Saturdays are work and Sundays don't really count since that's a weekend after all. No one told me they were not going to be home today so when I woke up and found out no one was at home I was a little disorientated. I prefer to know whether anyone will be at home when I wake up (it's a weird thing) and when I asked yesterday they said they would be... So I spent the whole day home alone which I have no arguments with because honestly, holidays are the best when I get to spend them home alone cooking whatever I want, and doing stuff without being judged lol. By the way Saturday I had work so had to wake up early but on Sunday, I don't even want to say what time I actually ended up getting up at because I slept the same amount of hours as I spent out of the house during a placement day... I think it's because of all the accumulated fatigue. But I'm glad no one judged or told me off when I got up. Though I do kind of wish dad would force me up at 9 like he used to. Anyway, thanks to all the placement days, usually I'd be able to go to 2am no probs during holidays but now even when I struggle at full power (yes I know it's bad to fight back against it) I can't really make it past 12:30 before I conk out which feels like I'm wasting time... Once again I'm finding myself in the position where I have time, and I have things I want to do but I get overwhelmed with all this "freedom" and feel like I'm wasting it? And no matter what I do it's not satisfying? Mum once said to me that she thinks I put too much pressure on myself and all I could think was "uh no, definitely no." I don't know, I feel like to everyone else I'm quite the slacker and hardly do anything ever. And there is certainly a long way for me to go and so much I haven't been able to accomplish so if anything, I don't put enough pressure on. She also said that she's never seen me actually relax and that I'm like dad, and always seem like I have so much to do at once. Again, I don't think that's true at all OTL Unless she's talking about when I do homework while watching TV, or the extreme itch I get to multitask when watching shows on computer so I end up doing some side activity at the same time. But these aren't good things and makes it sound like my priorities are awful OTL You know, no matter how much I complained about getting up at 6 for placement, I realised I really needed it (once again, more on it later). Without it, I feel like I'm falling back to the same place I was in just over a month ago. Some days I'm okay, other days I just completely lose my cool. It makes me resent being awake, because my mind is just too active. Once the wrong memory is triggered, the spiralling just starts and it's hard to get out of the darkness. But then sleep is no good either, because it's just as restless and my mind plays tricks with me by giving me bad dreams that I just can't wake out of either. And then I remember all the things I ever taught myself about people (in general) and that I just completely forgot them all because you were a distraction. But then when you left I just realised more than ever my biggest mistake was ever forgetting in the first place. It might seem dark and twisted but I guess this was always the real me deep down. 0 comment[s] | back to topwritten on Sunday, July 6, 2014 @ 9:38 PM ✈
Ugh can't believe I've caught my mum's cold, my body is just so weak it's frustrating. Don't know how I'm going to survive another week of placement, it was tiring when I was "healthy" so while I'm sick I don't know if I'm going to come out alive. Mum tells me to take some days off but it's not that simple since it'll look bad, plus our placements have to be registered with the date it's on in our database since ages ago and also, other people are going next week so there will be overlap if I push mine back. Anyway, had an extremely restless sleep again because all I remember was no sleep, and constant coughing. Woke up with sharp chest pains and ugh, hurts so much because of all this coughing. The coughing doesn't even help to clear anything out, there always feels like there's something stuck in my throat and it's so uncomfortable. Also I've pretty much lost my normal voice, I just have this croaky raspy I don't even know what. Hope my voice comes back by tomorrow otherwise I'll just sound so retarded or be forced to stay silent at placement which is both :/ 0 comment[s] | back to topwritten on Friday, July 4, 2014 @ 9:35 PM ✈
When you finally admit to yourself that you're sick, it's game over and it only goes downhill from there T_T 0 comment[s] | back to topwritten on Wednesday, July 2, 2014 @ 10:13 PM ✈
So tired and I literally have no life since I get up at 6, only come home at 7 and I'm barely awake for three more hours before having to go to sleep and repeating the cycle. Even at the shelter nobody works as much as I do, a couple of staff do whole days but only once or twice a week not every day of the week like me, and other volunteers only do half days @_@ Also both of my hands are completely rubbed raw, it feels like I'm missing the first layer of skin. It's also incredibly dry. I don't know why, but every time I blow my nose (which is often), the cough sensors are set off and I have to cough as well which is tiring x_x Not sure if it's allergies from fur or if I've seriously got my mum's cold. Why is it whenever someone in the family gets sick I ALWAYS get sick it's not fair T_T Something I really hate is when coming home on the M4 the speed limit may be 90 or 100 but usually there are times everyone's going at 60 because of jams and whatever and I'm just driving along, following surrounding people's speeds and then some random from the next lane switches into mine and does it super slowly and at some retarded slow speed (they also always seem to get in JUST when I'm getting really close to them). Then I feel uncomfortable because I know if I continue at my current speed I'm going to hit them since they don't speed up fast enough (when you need to do that when switching lanes) so I have to do a mad brake, in fact I had to go from 60 down to 40 to avoid hitting them x_x This has happened like 3 times tonight and I wish it would stop. Have to leave larger gaps so people will stop trolling me but larger gaps just make more people want to get in to the lane so it's a never ending cycle. 0 comment[s] | back to topwritten on Tuesday, July 1, 2014 @ 9:49 PM ✈
Had the most terrible sleep last night since I woke up every 30 minutes groaning internally in horrible horrible pain. I don't know why but I had the most killer sore throat and really right now I'm hoping it's not because I caught mum's cold > > I'd like to think it's because my nose was so blocked that when I was asleep I could only breathe through my mouth, thus causing weird pain :/ I don't know why but my hands are extremely dried out, do they have some super strength soap? My fingertips are beyond extremely dry, they just feel so weird and unhealthy. Also, I don't know what happened but one section of my finger is completely rubbed raw and it's painful as, I really don't have any clue how. 0 comment[s] | back to top |