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夢と現実の間
Between dreams and reality

負ける気がしねぇ!!

Tracy desu yo, pessimist and world’s worst procrastinator. Uni student with still a lot of things to learn. Interests include otome games, Naruto and Japanese.

: Loves pink, food, ice-cream.

Summer is my eternal love.



Waiting for:


chitchat:



recent update :
2 years
written on Sunday, November 30, 2014 @ 11:33 PM ✈

I was going to post yesterday but didn't quite feel up to it and so I missed the opportunity to post on my blog's two year anniversary (even if I did post yesterday I would have forgotten that it's been 2 years and wouldn't have said anything special).

Only been home a while but it's already time to leave tomorrow. Honestly, I'm glad. Being home didn't do me any good, and only reminded me of how toxic some people can be. It's always easy to say things like "just block them out" or whatever but you don't understand that these people (or two of them in particular) just have that ever-present sort of existence. They just have that kind of hold. You tell me "don't be mad" or "calm down" but when you wrong me constantly you expect me to not be pissed? How is that reasonable. I'm still a human you know.

Well anyway I just miss looking out the window and seeing endless land, trees, and giant hills that look like mountains. Living in the countryside was really kind of awesome (and I miss it).

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post-farm placement thoughts
written on Friday, November 28, 2014 @ 11:14 PM ✈

I can't possibly tell you how amazing it was. Saying the people there were "nice" or "kind" doesn't do it justice. I learnt a lot there and it was such a comforting atmosphere. I don't think people can truly understand how caught up we've become in "city life" where all people do is stare at their phones or talk about such superficial things. In the "country", I enjoyed the small things. Having no reception and practically no internet allowed for me to appreciate the time spent with the people there, their stories, and the fact that I would only have to be introduced to anybody once and they would always refer to me by name from then on. It made me feel like I was something - or had an identity. It's the small things.

Coming back home today and it's back to the old cars, lights, traffic and all the technology. I feel overwhelmed as I sit here on the computer looking at the internet and thinking "what do I do now?"

Honestly I really enjoyed my experience there and I feel like it made me feel better about the stupid actions of a certain someone. But I'm worried that all it takes is a bit of wrongdoing from that person to once again put me where I started, like I never went to placement in the first place.

Here's to hoping our next placement in WA on Monday will be just as good.

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danger
written on Sunday, November 23, 2014 @ 1:03 AM ✈

"I’m warning you now, stop confusing me
Are you joking? What am I to you?
Am I easy to you? Are you playing with me?
You’re in danger right now, why are you testing me?
Why are you testing me? Stop confusing me

Why are you doing this? Why are you making me into a fool?
It hurts so much because of you
You're so bad to me
I rip out my hair hundreds of times because of you
But you don’t care, you think it’s fine and you kick me around"

Just what did I do that was so wrong? Always, always, always I followed your rules. You told me I couldn't do this, I couldn't do that, couldn't say this, couldn't say that. I didn't have a choice but to follow it. You always say that I'm lacking, and that I need to change x, y and z about myself. You say you hate this or that about me. You tell me off for "judging", for disagreeing with you about things but yet you're always allowed to judge my actions. In the end I can't even say anything anymore, in order to stay on that thin tightrope you built me.

I do everything you tell me to and more, but if I make even one mistake I don't even have to take a breath before someone is there to point it out. Then there's everyone else around me, who can push everything to the limit and do all the wrong things but they always get endless concessions and an "it's alright" and I get punished for so much less. You tell me lie after lie, always creating false hope. It doesn't even matter if I pull you up on it because you just say "so?" like it doesn't even matter.

What was the point in living like this? All this time I tried to live the "right" way, following the rules and never rebelling, just like how you wanted but it never got me anywhere. It gets tiring you know, having to always think "it's okay, I'm okay" only to wake up and think "ah, I'm here again today." Only living and doing the things you wanted me to do, lately I've just lost it. I became something I didn't even want to become. Always frustrated at my inability, always feeling angry, always feeling despair. Is this the real me? Why did I become like this?

You always get defensive and say "you don't even understand me" but when did I ever claim I did? I don't even know who I am right now but you're the one who's always saying "yeah because I know you." Is that why you can always mess me around so bad? Does doing all this really satisfy you? I just feel so sick on the inside all the time.

Thank god I have placement for the next few weeks, right now I just don't know anymore. I continue to hope that tomorrow is just a better day.

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neglect
written on Thursday, November 20, 2014 @ 11:24 PM ✈

I feel so screwed because just as some people cannot "do" maths, I cannot do economics. There is a perfectly good reason I never did it in high school as an elective. If you think me and science is bad, then economics + me is even worse. I don't understand the people who say it's "logic" because to me it's not hence why it's so hard for me to learn. One of my friends who did it last year told me, "don't worry you don't need to understand it, just know it" except I don't learn things well unless I understand :/

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH so screwed. I guess at the very least I did enough this semester such that I only need 10% in the exam to pass... Though I'd like to do better but I guess my efforts are extremely lacking so to expect more is unreasonable. Still don't know how I got 25/30 and luckily some of our marks came from our tutorial reports which were marked out of 10 each and worth 10% each (and luckily I got full marks). 

But seriously whose bright idea was it to have AGEC last? No matter what, my last exam is always extremely neglected. It doesn't help that we had structure and function exam today because this happened;

Structure and function exam: Worth 25%, studied for it over 3 days.
AGEC: Worth 55%, studied for it in 6 hours.

My logic is dumb, I know. I did study it a bit while I did structure and function but economics just does not sink into my brain so it felt like I really didn't study at all. Anyway it doesn't help that I got home from the exam at 1pm and didn't do anything until 3pm. THEN after that as I was studying AGEC I fell asleep. Yep, it's THAT boring that I managed to fall asleep. 

I don't know how some of my friends who study even less than I do sound so knowledgeable. Lucky sponges. Well I give up tonight even though I should put in more effort my brain is rejecting it all and is crying. I always do this, my brain just gives out before the finish line of every exam period :/

Anyway if the long response is on what we can implement to stop pollution I'm going to go all out hippy and talk about why pollution is bad for the environment with no economics whatsoever because I don't know anything. LOLOLOL screwed

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2nd last
written on Wednesday, November 19, 2014 @ 11:56 PM ✈

People are already on holidays and I'm still doing exams. You can tell something is seriously wrong when at 10pm I'm not longer cramming and I'm just doing other stuff. I don't know if it's the "meh" attitude, laziness or just giving up. And no, I'm not prepared so it's not that either.

Anyway it's structure and function tomorrow and I don't know how I got an 80 in it for semester 1. Probably because I did alright in midsems but I remember the finals screwed us over hard. Considering the midsem was hard this semester, I don't even want to know what tomorrow's exam will be like... By the way I gg'ed myself because my pathetic ~60% in the midsem means even if I get 100% tomorrow my overall score will only be 81 and there's no way I'm getting 100 so bye bye distinction... But that's what I get I guess.

Ah my motivation levels are so low and I haven't been panicking like usual. Actually tomorrow will be the worst as it's cram eco time. Only one day to learn that :/ And it's all graphs and I suck at that and I have no idea how I got 25/30 in midsems since I pretty much learnt the material very insufficiently in one day.

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written on @ 12:31 AM ✈

There is no problem with us, we just need to talk
Nothing can tear us apart
You didn’t do anything wrong so please don’t be angry anymore
I only have you


 These images will never not give me feels.

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探している
written on Sunday, November 16, 2014 @ 11:59 PM ✈

I don't even want to talk about what time I ended up waking up. I admit my sleeping habits are bad. I purposely go until 4am in order to tire myself out so I can just fall asleep and not have to think about all these worrisome things.

In any case the nightmare of IVP is not over. As if Friday wasn't bad enough. I don't know, I feel like I've lost a lot of motivation. My friends all seem to be studying hard and seem to know enough but ugh that exam on Friday, I honestly thought I was going to double over for real because for no reason my stomach decided to give me immense pains. I don't even know what happened and no words can describe how badly it hurt. It's normal for my stomach to hurt a little before exams but this has got to be the worst. Anyway the pain persisted the entire exam and the whole time I was just thinking about whether I should leave the room or not but nah just stayed and finished the exam :/

Anyway the exam was dumb, 90 minutes for 90 marks all WRITTEN response and no multiple choice. It was particularly dumb thanks to how they distributed the marks, if you didn't know something you were screwed. Section A and B had 3 questions in each and each question was worth 10 marks. Section D and E both had one 10 marker, and one 5 point question. And of course they picked all the parts I knew least about and there were no questions on what I actually DID know well so ugh. Totally loved how I probably already got a bad mark (but it was expected) because I wrote a maximum of a tiny paragraph for two of the 10 mark questions. Oh well. Honestly if I can pass I'll be more than happy. Still annoyed they stressed learning immunity but then none of that was even in there.

Sigh tomorrow. I hardly studied but it's the classic case of "as the exams drag on, motivation and energy goes down" which usually results in me studying less and less whereas the rest of the cohort seems to be actively doing their work... Tomorrow is the annoying IVP prac exam, one hour spent looking down a microscope at a slide and trying to figure out the disease even though to me all cells look the same. Even though I tried to study for it I just got more and more fed up and annoyed. IVP brings out the worst in me and bad news is if you fail you are screwed for year 3 and enrolments and you'll have to repeat and won't get to pick the electives you want as you will be behind everyone else.

Rant over.

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written on Thursday, November 13, 2014 @ 11:14 PM ✈

Well FML I studied all day but nothing went into my head and I said I'd take a short break at 10 and do some more revision and it is now 11pm. FML. And I'm seriously screwed for tomorrow - our whole cohort is screwed. Just look at our fb page and for as far as you can scroll it's filled with memes on how doomed we are. I really can't, I couldn't do cell bio so IVP is really no different. Ugh I just don't want to learn this stuff anymore. I'd be happy to just get a pass seriously.

At times like this the internet is too exciting and I just end up following link after link for forever ==

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storm inside
written on Tuesday, November 11, 2014 @ 1:18 AM ✈

Here I am again, at 1am (kinda rhymes). Ah, so I figured out the word I was looking for yesterday when I was trying to describe how I was feeling. Defeated. Yep, that's the word. I just feel like letting everything pass by because I just don't have the strength or willpower to do anything about anything anymore.

In the past couple of weeks we've had 2 big thunderstorms, they were pretty loud and must have been close because the house even shook quite a bit. I have to admit I like thunderstorms, they seem pretty characteristic of summer because after long hot days there'd usually be one in the evening. For some reason, recently I seem to like them even more. Sometimes when I come out of the train station when I go to uni the sky is all dark and grey and looks like it'll rain heavily. I think the old me would have been like "oh dear, I hope I can get to uni before it rains" but now if I see a gloomy sky I feel relief. I guess there's a strange sense of comfort when the sky looks as bad as you feel sometimes. Likewise, when it's sunny I just feel out of place now. 

So my conservation exam was in room 444 and I also parked on level 4 today. Here's to hoping that four 4's will bring me good luck (contrary to what Chinese people say, 4 is my lucky number). The exam wasn't too bad, I don't know why everyone complained about the turtle shell question since that was explained and was straightforward but I won't judge because there are a lot of things people get that I don't and I understand that. I lost a mark in the reptile family question which I knew would happen and was prepared for it. Why? They wanted us to remember all these family names and what belongs where and it sounds simple but I suck with extensive remembering and to be honest no matter how long I spent on it I just couldn't do it so yeah. I'm glad it wasn't worth too much though (but I was prepared to just lose it all anyway). Just for randomness if you're interested the question was: "Name which family these animals come from (2marks) - Red bellied black snake, Brown tree snake, Shingleback lizard, Snake necked turtle." To be honest I don't even know how I managed to remember red bellied black snake and snake necked turtle so at least I got half. The rest I brain farted and just left.

So I don't know why but today after I came back I just felt too tired on the inside to study for my next exam (which isn't unusual). For some reason mum told me "Don't worry so about exams, it's fine as long as you pass." I was so taken aback. I don't know, I'm 99.9999999% sure I give off the impression I do no work or minimal work so does it look like I'm stressing? And she didn't even say it in a mean/sarcastic way, she actually meant it. I even asked "So you mean you don't care as long as I get 50?" and she said yes. What even happened I'm so lost, when has it been okay to "just pass"....

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これが
written on Monday, November 10, 2014 @ 1:16 AM ✈

So here we are again, my exams begin today (it's 1am right now so yeah). This semester was quite messed up, only doing 4 subjects (normal) and yet 5 exams both in midsems and in finals. Great. I always like semester 1 because I have more energy and there's stats to break up the science but I realise this time that semester 1 was nicer because we didn't have midsems for stats or gene, only cell bio (bleh) and structure and function. Another reason why I liked semester 1 better.

Anyway, ever since a few weeks before this semester ended (perhaps after midsem break?) I've been getting an average of 3-5 hours of sleep a day. I sleep really late because I'm just getting really restless sleep and also getting stupid dreams that just distress me. I just long for the days where I didn't have dreams again. Even on my short train naps I can't sleep peacefully because my mind is cruel and it plays tricks on me and I see things that I try so hard not to think about it.

Right now I acknowledge that I'm taking very good care of myself. It's not just the lack of sleep, I'm also eating poorly (not eating much or when I can eat, it happens to be junk) and I'm also getting my beloved rashes again. Even though I admit my body is probably in crisis mode, my mind right now seems to say "So what?" I don't know, I don't feel very well on the inside. Even though I know I should do something about this it seems like my mind doesn't even want to care right now. I just feel like there's too much other stuff bringing me down right now.

And what's even weirder is normally I guess I'd be pretty freaked out by exams. Every exam period I think about the previous time I did exams and I always feel like I did a lot of work - spent ages doing notes, spent ages studying them etc. This time I feel like I've already given up. It's really bad, I'm so "meh" about everything. I can honestly see my marks going down but my mind doesn't seem to be working properly to care and to fix it. 

Take the midsems for example. Conservation midsem was okay since it was the first one and made the most sense to me because it was logic and less retarded memorisation so I got 91%. Agec was one of the last exams and I thought I'd do badly but surprisingly I got 25/30 (it's not a raw mark, she just condensed it as it was worth 30%) which I was pretty happy with given how much I studied and most people got less than me. However you can tell my exams were a complete hit or miss because for both IVP and ANSC (structure and function) I got around 60%. Yep. Though to be fair we did poorly as a grade but still. 60%. 

But here I am going "60%, okay." It doesn't make me study any harder. I honestly think I've lost my mind because I feel like I've lost my normal attitude towards everything.

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empty empty empty
written on Friday, November 7, 2014 @ 12:19 AM ✈

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh the pictures were true and now the fandom is in chaos. So empty now, nothing to be waiting for on Wednesdays/Thursdays now what to do with life. I'm going to go on a very long grief period which I feel is going to last longer than exams so I'm screwed for that. NARUTO WHYYYY DON'T GOOO

 
TOO MANY FEELS RIGHT NOW. Can't be bothered putting up more pics. 
Btw KISHI WHAT IS LOGIC


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RIP me
written on Thursday, November 6, 2014 @ 3:13 PM ✈

Sitting on 444 posts lol (posts and drafts). 699 and 700 aren't "officially" up yet but I already feel like a part of me is now dead on the inside. No words to describe how I feel so I'll let the internet do the talking for me:

(warning, people aren't sure if it's real or not -possibly fanart- so we'll see)










 

^ This is what'll happen when it all ends. Somebody comfort me OTL

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